I keep finding myself back here, down this never-ending path in a dark empty void. I find it so easy to slip back into bad old habits, but that’s because it’s easy isn’t it? I have to make some effort and use my head to sort my life out. And that’s what I have been doing, trying to sort my sh*t out! Pardon my French.
Remember the film Labyrinth? The one where you were mentally scarred by David Bowie’s tight trousers? Theres a scene where Sarah is running down the Labyrinth and it’s just a never-ending path, and she realises that it just keeps going. Only when a helpful little blue caterpillar tells her “Not everything is as it seems” does she start to look at her path differently. Thats how the past few months have been treating me. I have been dragging my sorry bunny paws down a never-ending tunnel of non-existence. Only recently has my blue friend popped by and made me realise that I have to do something about it. What I am talking about is my battle with depression.
I thought I had seen the last of my depression last year, stupid me for thinking it was that easy to be rid of. Personally I think we all suffer with certain levels of depression throughout our lifetime. I have always hated the idea of relying on tablets to help me get though a day but only recently did my GP explain to me that it is only temporary until I hop back on track did I accept that I needed help. The tablets help block out my dark thoughts, but in order for me to move on, I have to do the actual work myself. I have to find a way to get myself motivated again, get back to the real world and stop feeling adrift in the unknown. It’s not been an easy few years and this year has been the worst. But that’s life isn’t it? It can be the most beautiful thing in the world and then the next day it’s tearing out your heart, forcing you to face your darkest fears far too soon. I don’t believe in the theory that everything happens for a reason because sometimes in life, it’s not that simple. Yes, we have to deal with it but it’s never that easy to accept or understand. “The future’s not set. There’s no fate but what we make for ourselves.” little quote there from Terminator 2: Judgment Day.
My husband now fist-pumping and screaming “Wooo! Sarah Connor…..Still nothing on Ellen Ripley!!!”
The minute I realised I was slipping back down the rabbit hole, I phoned the GP and made an appointment which has lend to the outcome of me being back on tablets and having consulting. I have to keep reminding myself that there is no shame in asking for help and especially when it comes to your health. I will get through this and I will be stronger but it wont be a quick fix.
It’s strange because I am happy, I have my husband and our son who mean the world to me. It has been a difficult time for us all and I need to be strong for them. We will get there as a family, we have been through so much together already and this is just another hurdle to swiftly hop over.
hop hop wiggle wiggle