When I look back at my days as a single gal, it all seems to be a bit of a blur. A very messy blur might I add. Hours upon hours of getting ready for a night out, putting on way too much make-up and wearing ridiculously high heels that I’m honestly surprised I even managed to make it out the door in sometimes. Each night out held the prospect of finding “The One” and even though I knew it at the time, I didn’t want to admit to it. I was never going to find him in a dark dingy nightclub smelling of sweat and desperation. I was never truly me on these nights out, my outfits would show a little bit more skin then I would dare to in daylight and I would make more of an effort with my hair and make-up. So why is it, now that I am with the love of my life, that I am more comfortable staying in eating Chinese in my pyjamas than hitting the town with husband in toe? Is there such a thing as being too comfortable in a relationship?
Since meeting my husband I have lost all of my silly single’s habits such as waking up hours before him to make sure my hair, face and breath are in a suitable state to be greeted with morning kisses. Before we lived together I would spend hours in the bath pampering and ensuring every inch of me was soft and smooth. I would make sure my flat was spotless, with clean sheets on the bed and smelling pleasantly fragrant was what I always aimed for. The trick was making it look as though I hadn’t made too much of an effort, which is harder than it sounds. I wanted everything to be perfect because I was terrified that if he saw I was actually a human who made mistakes and had chipped nails he would run a mile. Silly to think about now but back then it was crucial that everything was just so. At the time I didn’t realise that I wasn’t letting him see the real me, I was only letting him see what I wanted him to see. I am happy to say that this phase only last about a week of meeting each other as I was falling for him big time. There was no use in pretending to be perfect and I let my walls down. I stopped worrying about everything that might make him go “Ewww you’re human” and just relaxed into being myself full-time. I became the most comfortable I have ever been with someone and I loved it (and still do). Not only did I fall in love but I am myself completely with him and he wanted to be with me for who I was. Crazy man!
The only logical reasoning I can think of as to why we hide ourselves away in relationships is that we are scared of getting hurt. I’m sure every single one of us knows what if feels like to have our heart ripped out and smashed to pieces before our very eyes. We have all hit that extra tub of Ben and Jerry’s (many of ours second and third lovers) hidden in the fridge and not felt one bit of guilt as we lick the spoon clean. We worry that if we allow ourselves to be comfortable in a relationship that we are laying ourselves naked on the railway tracks, waiting for that speeding train to come along. We are never sure when its going to happen but we know it will.
I allowed myself to become comfortable in my relationship because I was sick of being scared of what may never happen. You only live once, I don’t want to regret anything in my life because I was too scared of what might happen. And, surely shouldn’t I be with someone who accepts me for me and not a façade? I feel extremely lucky to have found my soulmate so early on in life and for us to be expecting our frist child. I could have missed out on all of that if I was stupid and let my pride, or worse yet, my vanity take over. Once my walls went down, I started to enjoy myself. I would swap my high heels for comfy panda slippers anyday now. I think it always becomes a thing with age, as you get older things like staying in are more appealing than a night of loud bass-y music and drunk men. You realise you want different things and have a whole new view of the world, the most refreshing and revelatory perspective shift in my life so far. You become more comfortable in your own skin and find no shame in not wanting to be that 18-year-old anymore. You discover a whole new world, time to start enjoying being comfortable!
Now where are my bunny pyjamas, I feel a night in with a DVD and my husband coming on.