The past year has not treated me kindly. Rather it has pushed me down into the dirt, kicked me in the ribs and left me for dead. This sounds dramatic, but a necessary metaphor. In a small mad way I like to assume that the world is testing me, asking me “How do you really want to live your life?”
The reality of leaving university filled with hope and my degree, seemed like so long ago. I would never have dreamed of going from one dead-end job to the next, stuck in a time-warp that I so desperately tried to escape many years ago. I appreciated the work like many graduates do, as after endless searches for that elusive graduate job, putting food in your belly becomes your main priority. You do what you can to survive. I don’t want to sound ungrateful but after three years of studying and stressing I thought I would be rewarded with something more substantial work-wise. But alas I was not lucky to fall into my dream job that would take me places. I was handed a hat and an apron before being rudely shoved behind a counter to serve the ‘oh so charming’ general public for days on end. I was of course grateful that someone gave me a chance, but when I look back at my time there, I wonder. “Why should anyone be treated with such little respect because they work in the retail industry?” These people should be awarded medals for having to put up with such rudeness and abuse from people, not made to feel worthless and as small as an ant. The world is a strange place and I do worry about how the future of the human race will pan out. After months and months of agonizing pain, I left the work place and fell into a dark depression where I feared I would not be saved. Staring at four walls slowly starts to become part of your life, eating once a day feels like a luxury and the never-ending fear of how the hell will you survive toys with your mind. I know a lot of people will say. “You shouldn’t have left your job” blah blah blah. But when you’re so far gone, it is hard to see what others can as you have become a lost, bewildered, blind child, scared of the world you live in as the never-ending tunnel of insanity stretches far and wide.
But enough of the dark and gloomy stuff. The stress of leaving university, being so far away from home and losing my mind was not all in vain, for something more than words can explain happened to me. I fell in love. For the first time in my life I fell in love with a man who accepted me for who I am. I could write songs and poems expressing how I feel but no time in the world would ever be enough. Though the world has tested our relationship to the far corners of the earth and back, we have still stayed strong and very much in love. Two years ago my mohicanned, tattooed man got down on his bad knee and asked me to be his wife, and I accepted, crying the worlds tears for the amount of love and happiness I felt in that moment.
Now, we have been blessed with the news we have been dreaming to make together since our eyes first met. I’m three months pregnant. It’s a funny story how we found out. I had been having extremely bad stomach pains in the middle of the night and refused to go to the doctor, being the stubborn person that I am. Rob (my fiancée) of course dragged me there kicking and screaming, and insisted I see someone. After a heated debate I agreed as the pain was unbearable. When we saw the doctor, who was a little strange for my liking, he pushed aside the theory that I had assumed which was that it was a stomach ulcer. He asked if I could be pregnant, and of course I replied “No” as we are safe. We do want a family but our situation was just not financially stable enough. I took a test and after a slow passing five minutes it was revealed that it was positive. In the next few days we discovered that I was actually three months pregnant. How I went three months without realising is beyond me but I have been told it is normal for most women not to notice. There has been so much to do my head has been all over the place in the past couple of weeks.
Our baby at three months ❤
So that’s where I am today, pregnant, engaged and unemployed. Let’s see what else the world can throw at me. Don’t get me started on the living situation…trust me you do not want me to go there.