Oh Motivation, where art thou?

I keep finding myself stuck in a nasty loop-hole. I wake up feeling like crap (pardon the French) and don’t have any motivation to do anything. Well…tell a lie. I have to look after my son, our two piggy boys and baby girl bunny. But I just feel…well…like nothing? Does that even make sense?

Each day lately has just felt empty. Like, what’s the point? I hate feeling like this, lost. I feel like I have lost who I am, that I no longer know what to do with my life. It sounds dramatic I know. But I need to do things, things I enjoy like my writing, reading and listening to music. I really, really need to dig myself out of this rut. Not just for me but for my husband and son. This isn’t living and I don’t want to waste another second feeling like this…the self-pity has got to stop.

Right; so now I just have to get my motivation back. What I have decided to do is set up a little schedule. I will wake up at a certain time, work out and then shower/bath before going about my day which will involve more trips to the park/walks/reading/writing and more family time. I hate not feeling like doing anything, it’s such a waste of life and given recent events I want to live every second. I keep wanting to scream “WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH ME!” In all honesty I just think I have let everything get to me and haven’t dealt with it very well. I need to be stronger for my family and for myself. It’s easy to say I know, but I am working at it.

Right, I need to put my little Cabbit to bed, make dinner with hubby, cut his hair and then finish editing a video. And breathe!

Hop hop wiggle wiggle

10995556_10153744431189202_675122107660149514_n

Good Friday!

Hello dear readers. I hope you are all having a splendid Good Friday with your hot cross buns; a cup of tea and that sneaky fourth cream egg, that when asked you will say is your second.

Today we have been cleaning (boring but unfortunately needs to be done) and playing with our son. He has mastered stair climbing! We are both amazed at how well and confident he climbed each step. Part of my role as mother is to worry, so I was a little concerned that he would trip and fall but alas he proved me wrong and happily clambered on up with a massive grin on his face. We were of course both behind him, just in case. We are not that irresponsible to leave him completely unattended.

It really does make me feel proud at how confident my son is. I hope it is something that will stay with him throughout his life. I feel I need to build my confidence back up as it has been knocked back a fair bit within the past few years. Mainly due to my weight, yeah yeah, I know like most women I moan about my weight. Which is why I intend to do something about it. My worst problem is that I comfort eat. I always have done. If I am having a really bad day, I reach for the doughnuts. I need to get out of this habit and do something more productive like writing or working out. But that is for another blog post.

Our son was also fascinated with the washing machine today. He discovered that his silly mummy bunny had left it open which meant he spent a good few minutes opening and closing the door. Then he realised he could open drawers and started feeding all sorts of things to the washing machine like tupperware and tea-towels. That has always befuddled me, why are they called tea-towels? Is it like the tea cups have a little bath in the sink and then when they come out they have a towel to dry off and so claimed that they should be called tea-towels? Yes, I am going off again on a tangent. My apologies.

However you are spending today I hope you all had a good one, because it’s Good Friday…get it? Yes, I probably should not pursue the idea of a career as a stand-up.

Hop hop wiggle wiggle

1907477_10153723672859202_7334634830431478477_n

Take A Photo, It Will Last Longer…

I have always hated this phrase but recently all I have wanted to do is scream it until I am as blue in the face as my adorable cuddly friend Stitch or in this instance my husband’s mohican.

The Husband and I have been away these past few weeks house-sitting because of recent events. The whole experience has been confusing for us. There are good days and then there are those days where you just want to hide safely in your burrow wishing everything and everyone would just disappear. Those days suck as I can’t be bothered to bathe and smell and I eat too much food because I am fat and and and and…*Take deep breath and calm*

I keep finding myself feeling guilty if we are having a family day out and enjoying ourselves. It’s been so hard to smile these past weeks or even laugh. My whole sense of fun and happiness has been sucked out of me by a henry hoover. Because of what has happened there is a massive black hole in our hearts that will never fully heal. We have been so wrapped up sorting everything out that when we finally sit down and take a minute to ourselves we suddenly remember which leaves us feeling sad and depressed. It truly is horrible and I have a feeling that this could last for a while…

But anyway as I was ranting, we are up in the middle of nowhere house-sitting, where the latest news in the village is the tiny new pool table at the local pub. Ever seen Hot Fuzz? Imagine that village but even weirder, that is what we have been dealing with the past few weeks. So it comes as no surprise when we are out and about that we get the few odd looks. Now, I never ever pay attention when I am out and about. I don’t look at other people for too long as I get paranoid, so I just go about my business in my own little world and hop off back to the burrow with my Panda and Cabbit. But the other day we were at the Scan and Shop tills in Tescos (I was surprised they actually had a Tescos) when I suddenly found myself looking around out of boredom. It was then that I noticed people looking and turning their heads at my husband’s electric blue mohican. My husband is used to this and just ignores it, but in the four years that we have been together, I have never noticed this behaviour in strangers as much until now. I know people look at it as they consider it ‘not normal’ but up here it felt like everyone was taking a look. I don’t understand it, why do people feel the need to look and judge somebody else’s hairstyle? Big deal if it is different and ‘out there’. I love it and I love him for being his self, I really want to teach my son to do the same when he is older. To be proud of who he is and not afraid to show it. Why live a life in fear of what others will think? To me, that’s not living. That’s a prison sentence.

With what has happened it has made me realise that life is short. Way too short. I want to live life the way I want to and not by society’s guidelines of the norm. It’s boring and dull if you ask me. What I mean is, if I want purple hair, piercings and tattoos I will have them. If I want to let my son watch anime or listen to A Perfect Circle, then I will. That’s what I miss about my husband’s father. He didn’t care what people thought of him, he got on with life and lived it his way. He would make sure his children had decent quality food in their tummies and treated his family when he could. He always put others before himself and was always there for us when we needed advice. We would bother him with silly questions about our parenting and worry that we weren’t doing it right. He would always, always reassure us that we were doing great, that we are the only ones who can know how to parent our child, and to quote him directly, “Emma’s a fucking good mother.” He had so much faith in us and was one of our biggest supporters. He has inspired me to live my life to the full and to not be ashamed of whom I am. I really truly do miss him and know I have to accept that he is gone, but I will never ever forget him. That is impossible. I will tell our son about his grandfather and how much of an amazing man he was and how much he loved him. It’s sad to think that he will not remember meeting him but I can hope that somewhere in his subconscious he will know.

It really shows how people in small towns don’t see much of life if a blue mohican makes them pee their pants. I hate to stereotype but it’s been everywhere we have gone up here. Even one girl said “Mummy, that man has blue hair!” and repeatedly pointed, insisting her mother looked to confirm that such an irregular thing was occurring in their presence. I just wish people would be more open minded and stop with the prying eyes at the sight of something different.

Oh I could rant all day about this but I won’t. I am just in a very dark place at the moment and am slowly getting out of it with the help of my loved ones. As a great man used to say, “Calm, always calm like the little Furry-cat”

I am off to enjoy a nice cup of tea and watch some more episodes of Once Upon A Time with the husband. IT’S SO GOOD! Why haven’t I discovered this sooner!

Hop hop wiggle wiggle.

19514_10153709772614202_2184617477123373902_nNo matter what, we will always be there for each other. Forever & Always!

Losing A Family Member

The last few weeks have been…well…the worst. A black angry storm cloud has been following us around for what feels like forever. Emotions are all over the place much like our appetites. I hate death, I really do. Death can go and do one for all I care.

To lose a family member is like having one of your organs ripped out. To suddenly not be able to see someone who has always been there is the strangest feeling. To never hear their voice or have those little conversations and laugh when they quite rightly put your husband in his place. It’s hell.

The worst part is; not knowing what to say or do. You feel utterly helpless and feel like love and cuddles are not enough for anyone. You no longer know what to do anymore and find yourself staring at the walls in tears, asking yourself repeatedly ‘Why did this have to happen?’

We have lost someone who was such a big part of our family, who was so much more than my husband’s father.  There were so many plans like us moving to live with him; we were all so excited, so happy.  Now being in this house makes us feel nothing but sadness for he should be here with us taking the piss and playing with his grandson.  It’s so quiet and empty, it’s lost its charm.

The one day at a time thing seems to help, but only a little. I really, really wish this wasn’t happening; I want to shout and scream that this is not fair. It’s not good enough and I don’t think it ever will be. And if anyone ever dares say to me or my family that ‘Everything happens for a reason’ they can go do one like death! It’s not good enough you hear me!

I do apologise for the recent lack of posts dear readers, thank you for your understanding and support while my family are dealing with this difficult time. I am slowly getting back into my writing; it helps but I feel a lack of motivation seeping in with the grief. Everything is all over the shop and there is so much to do. I need a cup of tea…make that a bottle of wine!

No Hops or Wiggles are enough right now :-(

1969153_10152668647624202_900948926_n

Cabbit’s First Pair Of New Shoes!

Hello dear readers, I hope you are all well. Is it just me or has our dear friend, the sun, been trying to make an appearance over the last few days? I hope not as I am not a sun person. I love the cold weather! I just melt in the heat, not fun.

Anyway, last weekend we went away to visit granddad Bob. It was a much-needed weekend away (which turned into a 4 day weekend) as we have been so busy lately, my husband doing his university projects and me doing my writing and of course both being parents. On our weekend away we decided that it was also the perfect time to get Cabbit his first pair of shoes as he is becoming a more and more confident walker each day. What a fun visit to the shoe shop that was…

We drove to a big trading estate with a Brantano and took a gander inside. Cabbit is now 1 year and one month old (and a few days, but hey who’s counting) so we thought enough time has passed that it now seemed appropriate for our son to get his first pair of shoes. We had been told by GPs and Midwives all throughout my pregnancy that we should only buy him shoes when he can actually walk with confidence because if you put you children in to shoes before they can walk properly it doesn’t help the development of their feet (arches etc.). It actually makes it harder for them to learn. So we decided to leave the shoes until the whole walking thing happened and it seems to have worked out alright in the end.

As I was saying, we went to Brantano and were lucky enough to have the whole shop to ourselves. I find this to be both a good and bad thing. Good: You can wander around without bumping into people. Bad: The sales assistants watch you like crazy and it really drives me mad!

IMG_6541

We all got our feet sized and I was shocked to learn that I was a 6 and a half! I have not been able to fit into a 6 and a half since my teenage days. I wear size 8 because I was a size 7 but when I got pregnant my feet went up a size. Madness!

Cabbit was so well-behaved when the lovely sales assistant sized his feet, he nearly went for her hair but decided against it. Good choice. We were then shown some shoes in his size and decided on a lovely navy blue pair with little aeroplanes on them. They are cruiser soles, which means they are soft and not hard like trainers but still hard enough to protect little feet from day-to-day roughness on the floor. Apparently it is best to start off with these so your child can get used to wearing something on their feet before moving up to a harder sole. Works for us.

IMG_6568

I was a little disappointed that we did’t get him a set of wellies because all three of us desperately wanted to go puddle jumping. But we only have to wait a few weeks before we can, so not long! Beware puddles, the Mackay family are coming for you.

I think the trip was a success, even if after he had chosen his news shoes Cabbit went wandering off through the shop picking up shoes (high-heeled shoes in particular!) and throwing them on the floor. Oh child of ours, we do love you.

Right I am off to make some spaghetti for us all and snuggle down with a family film for the night. Enjoy your evening everyone and if you ever see a child in a shoe shop throwing the shoes on the floor, I assure you they mean no harm. They are just re-organising them how they likes it.

Hop hop wiggle wiggle

 

Brantano’s free kids fitting service: http://www.brantano.co.uk/en-gb/desktop/about-us/kids-fitting

 Find your nearest Brantano store here: http://www.brantano.co.uk/store-locator