Christmas In November?

Is it just me, or does Christmas slowly sneak up on us earlier and earlier each year? I swear that one day we will find tinsel and Christmas trees in every shop the whole year round. Christmas songs will be played continuously throughout the year until baubles come out of our ears. I fear I may sound like a Scrooge in this post; you know what I say to that? Bah Humbug!

I remember walking through a supermarket in the heat of summer looking for some ice lollies when I came across an aisle that was fully stocked for Christmas. I had to do a double take without falling on my butt. I slowly walked down the aisle in horror at the thought of eating a Christmas pud in this weather. I wanted to throw up when I saw a few people picking up boxes of mince pies and stacking their trolleys high with them. I could understand if they were on offer or even cheap but they weren’t, they were like everything else in the aisle, ridiculously expensive. Do we need to buy Christmas supplies this early in advance? Really? It was only August!

It got me thinking about why we feel the need to make Christmas last for as long as possible. It’s one day, one single day towards the end of the year yet, it finds itself stretching thin from August and well into January.  People are already watching Christmas films with their mince pies in their festive jumpers, its November! Is it all a marketing ploy, to get us the customers to spend as much hard-earned cash as possible on a holiday that comes once a year? The cynic in me says yes, the happy-go-lucky child in me says no. I can fully understand why people want to get in the mood early (ooh-er sounds a little naughty) I really do. Christmas is a joyful holiday, one filled with love, family, food presents, everything you could possibly want in a holiday. Everyone is happy and cheerful, it’s the one day of the year that you put everything aside and just bask in the warmth of life.

In our household we don’t do anything Christmassy until after my husband’s birthday because quite rightly so it’s his birthday, so it’s hard to get in the Christmas spirt with that in mind. Not complaining or anything as I do find it a bit too much to be getting in the festive mood when other holidays are yet to be celebrated. I honestly can’t enjoy anything to do with Christmas until December because I feel that I enjoy it more because I know it will only be 25 days away. I hate watching Christmas films if it’s not December, I just find it weird but that is me. I have nothing against anyone watching them throughout the year. Just I personally hate it. The only thing I do that can be seen as Christmassy early in advance is of course the Christmas present shopping. I do like to get that out of the way because it can be a nightmare! There have been years where it was a blissful thing to do, a bit of shopping have a coffee with friends and relax. But as the years have gone on it has been one of things I dread doing. People have gotten rougher and pushy in shops and especially with late night Christmas shopping, it’s like watching sharks smell the scent of blood in the water. Animals! Now we have a son I would hate to drag him out into the cold and put him through all of that. People can be so rude and even more so if there’s a bargain on.

As I was saying, if you are one of these people who enjoy doing Christmassy things any other month other than December, please, please enjoy it, for I will not! Good for you and bad for me. I like to keep my holidays to the month they are supposed to be celebrated, none of this early bird rubbish. That’s just me.

I am off to eat turkey dinosaurs and snuggle up in the burrow as it freezing this night.

Hop Hop Wiggle Wiggle

Being a mother: A full time job?

Lately days have blurred into weeks, months and before I knew it I was drinking a gingerbread latte at Starbucks in their charming festive cups. I can’t believe how fast this year has gone. Like for real. How fast? I mean seriously? If you can’t tell I am putting on a girly dramatic accent. It feels like only a year ago I was smiling to myself and stroking my belly as my son kicked happily away. Now he is kicking everything within sight, baby proofing EVERYTHING is exhausting, its hard work. It is a full-time job being a mother, or is it?

I was at the swings the other day with the boy when I got into a conversation with a nanny (Au-pair) about how people don’t see how being a mother as a full-time job. I wanted to laugh hysterically but was afraid I would worry her and the little girl she was with. I wouldn’t scare my son as he knows he has a mad mummy bunny. I thought it was utterly ridiculous that people say things like, ‘Being a mother isn’t a full-time job’. In some sense, I don’t see it as a ‘job’ but as a loving duty of responsibility I fully take on naturally. But it does have certain aspects to it that are job-like, getting up early, extremely short tea breaks and long hours of constant overtime. Being a mother is hard work; anyone who is a mother will know what I am talking about. There is very little time in the day to do as you please; you have to do what’s right by your child first and foremost. There’s never a moment’s peace, with a job you have a cut-off point, and you go home and can forget about work for a couple of hours before it all starts up again. As a mother, you don’t get that cut-off point. Its 24/7 dedicated to your child. Even when they leave home mothers will still worry about their children. It’s a never ending love that will never leave our hearts, as a mother it is our duty to worry, it’s only natural. (At this point I want to clarify that there a lot of extremely hard-working dads too-be it at work or home; that complement the work their partners/wives do with their children. Dads seem to go under-appreciated on a larger scale; I for one appreciate all my husband does to help me and vice-versa.)

Of course there are people that say, ‘Well you chose to be a mother, you have no right to moan about it’ which I laugh at. Yes, I chose to be a mother and I fully take on those responsibilities, I never in the slightest bit regret it. But don’t tell me I don’t have the right like any human being to have a little moan. People moan about their jobs that they have chosen willingly (I understand sometimes people don’t have much choice in the job they end up in but still) and I don’t tell you not to moan about it, I let you be so why won’t you let us mothers? At times it feels like the world is so one sided and everyone feels they have the right to criticise your lifestyle. Are we still living in the dark ages where freedom of speech is non-existent and we are restricted to grunts and groans for commentaries?

I do find it silly that there are still such close minded people in this world that can only see as far as the end of their interfering nose. Alas I must not get myself in such a tizz about it all, it won’t do any good and is a waste of my time which is golden to me these days. Oh how I miss the days of just sleeping the day away, a complete waste yes but the freedom to do so was bliss.

Anyway, as I was ‘ranting’ being a full time mother is a job and it isn’t. It depends on how you look at it. I set myself daily tasks that have to be completed and am my own boss, but my son is never, ever a job to be done. He is my son who I love and am hopelessly devoted to. He may need things done for him but he is a baby. How else is he supposed to get dressed and feed himself when he is still learning about the ways of the world? It makes me laugh, to the point where I feel sorry for people who feel the need to pity us mothers for they cannot see how much we feel for them that they will never truly understand the love of a mother to her child. A lot of feels there.

I am off to do a bit of reading, drink tea and maybe watch some more of The Tudors with the husband. Really getting into that show, not just because of all the naughty scenes but because of the history…yes the history! I will go with that!

 

Hop Hop, Wiggle Wiggle.

Cobwebs

A tangled bunch of wires
lost in confusion
they weave in and out of each other
though to the tip
of the tarantula’s legs that are curled
ever so slightly, around his whiskey glass

another breath is taken
smoke rings surround him
ready to catch his pray
as those hungry lips bite on the cigar
Spain’s sunset burst alight as it hit’s the ocean waves
I cough and mummer under my breath

You’re wires are crossed
That fire in you’re eyes won’t last forever
Night always falls

he lifts his chin, and spins a web towards me
closing in tight
those thick hairy hands
craw upon my shoulder
and rest for a while
as he says

The sun may be going down
But it always rises
It always rises my dear

By Emma Jane Mackay

This time of year

There’s something magical about this time of year. You start to feel the slight change in the weather and hug yourself warm with your favourite oversized jumper smiling to yourself that you are all cosy in your little burrow. You see that Starbucks have started selling pumpkin spice lattes again while outside children are jumping into piles of leaves and collecting conkers. That’s when you know that the magical season of autumn has finally arrived. Let’s just take a moment to breathe it all in.

I love this time of year for another reason, I get to celebrate my wedding anniversary. One whole year married! It has literally just flown by. I still feel like the luckiest bunny ever to marry her soul mate and have a gorgeous baby Cabbit. Ok, ok I will stop being all lovely dovey. We were very lucky that we got a whole night off as parents to celebrate. We dolled ourselves up, Hubby black shirt and trousers and me in my beautiful black dress that I have only worn once, to see Wicked. After much debating we decided to go to Frankie and Benny’s as we adore their spaghetti and meatballs. It was the first time since Cabbit had been born that I have had a WHOLE night off, I enjoyed every moment of it, giggling as I drank my Long Island ice teas. My husband treated us to dessert (he really loves me!) for him lemon sorbet and me a whole little apple pie, a long-standing joke with us where I always demand a whole pie when it says it on the menu and often get just a slice. It’s our thing.

When I started to think about it, it seemed like such a normal thing to be able to do before our son was born. We could jump on a train or a bus and go anywhere without having to pack a changing bag or lug a pram around. Now we have to make sure the restaurant is baby friendly, we have enough nappies or baby wipes, the list is endless. But as I have said many a times before, and probably bored you to death, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I would appreciate the odd night off with my husband as I spend 24/7 with my mum duties but that is what being a mother is all about, caring for my son, putting his needs before my own. But some time away from him would also be good as we can’t all be superwoman and we have to be able to relax for at least an hour childfree. All in good time I keep telling myself.

Oh I do love this time of year! Think I will take Cabbit out for a walk again so we can bask in autumn’s beauty.

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The Things That Make Me Happy In Life

There are days when the sky is telling you it’s going to be cold and grey, that you might as well not bother waking up and/or getting dressed. A pyjama day is called for; with lots of feel-good films and delicious honey tea. However you feel these days start to blur into one another and when the sun decides it’s time to shine again you are already stuck in a rut of, well not wanting to do anything.

I myself had fallen into this trap a few weeks ago. It all began when I got a nasty stomach bug, don’t worry I won’t go into the details. I was feeling very poopy about myself as one does and just wanted to stay in bed all day dosed up on tablets and self-pity. It was a horrible bug but just as I saw the end in sight, I went and caught that annoyance that is Fresher’s Flu from my husband. Only now have I started to feel better but I feel at a loss. It has been about two weeks where I have been feeling under the weather and now I have recovered I am lacking the motivation to do anything. Maybe I am still ill? Or maybe I have just gotten so used to doing very little that my brain is on strike and enjoys staying in bed. I like to be active, to always be doing something. As a mother it is hard to sit still when you have a little one around but when Cabbit goes down for his naps I find myself twiddling my thumbs and thinking: “What now?” I have seemingly endless lists of stuff I could be getting on with; writing or finally getting around to finishing that book. But I don’t. My head feels heavy and foggy, I just feel meh.

It’s a frustrating situation to find yourself in and the only person who can get you out of it is yourself. So I found myself asking my husband to look after Cabbit while I had a long relaxing bath, got myself dressed so we could venture out into the world. I am lucky to have such a supportive and understanding husband who allows me to take time out for myself. We hopped into town where Christmas had already started to manifest. Scary! (Queue the rant from my husband; about Christmas not being ‘allowed’ to start until after his birthday in early December).  We browsed some shops were we could pull horrified faces at the sight of reindeer, fat Santa’s and made comments like “It’s only October people!” My husband then treated me to a gorgeous éclair from my favourite bakery, Patisserie Valerie (or as we refer to it, Patisserie Du Lapin) before taking me to one of my favourite shops, LUSH! I got 2 bath bombs; Sex Bomb and Dragons Egg. Beautiful! Thank you hubby!

On the car journey home I got to thinking how a simple walk with the family had completely changed my mood. I felt revived and happy. Not because I had money spent on me; that was a bonus and unexpected surprise. I had been focusing on the things that make me happy in life like going for walks with my family, being silly with the husband and smelling my favourite smells. That was it I thought. That is what I had to try and do if I ever felt unmotivated or just poopy. I had to remember what the things that make me happy in life are, focus on the positives instead of the negatives. It is so easy to think about all the things that are wrong in your life and get depressed but if I make a list or have reminders like photos or smells of things that bring joy to my life, then maybe, just maybe I can get through a bad day. It sounds excruciatingly obvious to do this, but when your state of mind happens upon such a dark place it can often be hard to find that tiny speck of light trying to force its way through a rainy day.

So now when I have a day where I feel like just staying in the comfort of my home or doing very little, I look at photos of my wedding or the first photo of Cabbit and smile. I remember memories when I have never been happier or smell my new/old books. I really wish they made a perfume for that! My husband and I have an ongoing joke that if I am feeling moody I will go to my Lush bag with my bath bombs, smell it and be instantly happy.

I’m off to nibble on malteasers and play Black and White. IT’S SO GOOD! I like being a god muhahahahaha! Evil laugh too much? (Husband just caught me laughing as I type and told me my evil laugh needs work! That it’s too cute!!!!! The OUTRAGE haha)

Cecilia

This is a very short story I wrote a few years back on my creative writing course at university. Thinking of expanding on it. Be warned, this is not a happy story. Any feedback would be much appreciated. Enjoy!

Leo leaned forward to steal another glance at the young beauty before him. Her dark hair was draped over her shoulders like a reticulated python. She flashed him a seductive smile before spitting in his face. Leo didn’t seem to mind this gesture as he took a tissue out of his pocket.  “I see you’re feeling better today Cecilia,” He discarded the tissue while she ground her teeth. “So, where shall we begin?” He smirked before scribbling on his notepad. The day had only just begun.

The first meeting with Cecilia was one Leo would never forget. She had been cowering in the corner sobbing like a child whose favourite toy had been taken away. The wardens where still having trouble forcing her medication down her, she was infamous for her biting. It was by chance that Leo was about as he had mixed up his times once again with Doctor Heart. He knew of Cecilia and what she was capable of, yet he still entered the dragon’s den. To the wardens surprise she let him approach; he could have sworn she was smiling under her mask of hair. He knelt down, took her hand in his and gazed into her eyes, almost hypnotizing her. She was a damaged natural beauty; it was at that moment that he knew there was little chance of her regaining any semblance of sanity. Her eyes said it all. She had jumped overboard long before the ship had hit the iceberg. As he placed the pills into her mouth he felt an affinity with her. She kissed his fingers, leaving saliva on the tips and rolled back into his arms collapsing into a deep sleep. Leo signalled to the wardens that they could leave. As he watched the rise and fall of her chest he felt a longing to breathe her in. She was a lost soul that he wanted to save; he felt it was his duty to take care of her. He whispered with love in his voice.
You don’t need to be afraid anymore

Cecilia had been at Lockwood for five years. She was admitted when she buried her mother neck-deep in the garden. Her mother was still alive when Cecilia started bashing her head in with a spade. The neighbours called the police who turned her over to the mental institution. She had been bored for years here and found entertainment convincing patients to top themselves. The staff disliked her and often drugged her to keep her under control. Now with Doctor Leo’s presence things had become interesting for Cecilia. He was unlike the rest of the doctors, he was shiny and new. He was innocent. Since meeting him she felt the urge to rip his tongue out and use it as a pillow. Yet she had not attempted to carry this through and took her anger out on Doctor Collins who was still recovering in St Lewis’ hospital.
“I hear some of the art equipment has gone missing, paper and pencils.” Cecilia shifted in her seat but kept steady eye contact.“Know anything about it?” But before Leo could ask again she leapt across the table and grabbed the collar of his shirt. She ran a hand through the doctor’s hair before nuzzling his cheek and whispering into his ear.
You’ll never have me” Leo felt compelled to kiss those beautiful chewed lips but instead pushed her to the floor.“Do you love me Doctor?” She didn’t look at him. She only bit her lip.
“Cecilia, I –” But she silenced him with her hand. Never before had he felt so strongly about such a woman. His throat felt dry with fear. At any given moment she could attack and leave him for dead. She moved in fast and kissed him. It was a strange, wet, warm sensation that he didn’t want to end. He shuddered at her cold touch on his cheek and felt her hand ruffle though his thick mane. He wanted to say he loved her and for her to say she loved him, for them to be any two normal people in love. Cecilia opened her mouth to speak but said nothing. Leo swept her unkempt hair out of her face and waited for the words that never came. She pushed him away and laughed. “I think it’s time you left Doctor,” She turned her back on him and waited until he was gone to start crying.

As Leo entered the office the next morning he was greeted with a cold reception.
“Leo? What are you doing here? Did nobody tell you? Allan! Did you not tell him?” Doctor Watts turned to the small man standing beside him. He looked terrified and confused at his boss’s tone.
“Why…err…umm…yes I did. I left a message on his machine?” The piece of paper he was holding was trembling in his hands. Leo could see tears of panic run down the man’s face.
“Is somebody going to tell me what the hell is going on?” Leo took off his coat and hung it in the usual place. The office went silent as Doctor Watts turned Leo away into the corridor. “Jesus! I have something to tell you, it’s about Cecilia.”
“Cecilia?” He felt his heart explode. “Last night she went crazy and attacked one of the security guards, she took his gun and shot herself in the head. She’s dead…” Leo felt cold and light-headed as the words began to seep in. She was dead. Dead. He leaned against the wall and fell to his knees. He couldn’t hold back the tears at the thought of never kissing her again.“She left you a message…” Doctor Watts handed Leo a crumpled piece of paper, he opened the note and saw the words that she had been so frightened to say. The words she loathed with a passion. They were scrawled out in pencil by a hand that was too sacred by the world and the people in it. The words she wished she had said to him at their last meeting.

I love you…