I warn you dear readers, this post will involve the mysteries of the female body and will include words like periods and ovaries. If you are faint of heart or do not wish to read about this information then I beg you to go drink some pimms in the sunshine.
The past few months my diary has been filled to the brim with appointments and tests at the hospital. It has been an exhausting journey, a proper rollercoaster ride except I never wanted to get on the damn thing in the first place. I want off! I am that annoying person who as soon as they have been strapped in, I am screaming that I have changed my mind. The other day was hopefully for a while at least, the last piece in the puzzle, the final bit that I needed to get done so I can sleep better at night.
As I may have mentioned before dear readers, since the whole C-section I have been paranoid that something has gone wrong. If it’s not my foot feeling wired then it’s my stomach being in agonising pain. I had convinced myself that something was amiss and it was driving me crazy. So I set about the quest to the GP where I spoke of my fears and had a number of tests done to double-check my health. All of these tests have come back and they are all good, nothing to report. The other day I had the last test done which was a scan to check my uterus and ovaries. That too went well apart from the nurse saying that I have polycystic ovaries. Come again? I queried her, I have what? I felt a little sick, what the hell was polycystic ovaries.
To save me going on and on about it, here is a detailed link of the condition.
Basically I don’t ovulate as often as other women; I can have a gap for as long as 4 to 9 months before I get my next period. My ovaries have a number of small cysts filled with fluid. This makes it harder for me to conceive. Which is ironic considering I have a son. I have learned from reading a number of websites and people’s personal experiences with this condition, that my choice of lifestyle can affect it.
It is from this that I have decided to maybe take a little bit more care of myself. I have decided to drink more water and only have diet coke now and then with dinner, eat more veg and fruit, work out more and just be more positive. I am not going to beat myself up if I decide I want to eat a whole chocolate cake. I want to take better care of myself just overall because since the whole C-section and birth of my son, I have felt unhealthy and want to take control of my body again. I am so sick of being in pain and feeling helpless. It’s time for mummy bunny to kick butt!
It makes me giggle when I think how much a patch of grass can make all the difference. For roughly a year now we have been without a garden. Now, thanks to some incredibly generous family members we have somewhere to sit when the sun decides to come out and play.
It is the most wonderful feeling to be able to open the back doors, hop a few paces forward and place a foot on freshly laid grass. It’s heaven and makes me all smiley and sunshiny inside. Growing up in Devon I was always surrounded with nature’s beauty but since leaving and moving my view is of tall buildings and grey horizons. For the past four years I have been living in flats which meant no garden. When we finally moved last year to a house, the garden was not accessible (a long story I won’t bore you with dear readers) But now, at last there is in fact green grass on the other side!
So now we have the luxury to just sit and potter about in the garden on days like today when the sun is dancing all around, birds are singing and the air is filled with that delicious smell of burgers and sausages cooking on the BBQ. Cabbit loves crawling on the grass and turning over onto his back to just gaze at the sky. He has this very deep intense look of curiosity on his face when he does this, like he is connecting himself to the world’s soundtrack.
As a mother I promote him getting outside as much as possible as it helps development. It also helps me; I get some fresh air and feel much happier when I’m out in the sun (as long as I’m not melting to death). There’s something about being outside that makes you think how glorious life can be. I don’t know if it’s the nature or the smell of life happening around you, it just feels magical, happy. Just thinking about it now as I stuff my face with pom-bears makes me smile and sigh. I feel like a fluffy cloud!
Hope you have a lovely evening dear readers, I am off to finish reading my book (SO CLOSE TO FINISHING) with a cup of tea while hubby works on his uni assignments.
You enter this world, with stale coffee burning your tongue, the 141 carriage is constantly battling with the tracks blurs of trees and lakes coincide with each other I remember what cows and sheep look like again, this is of course the way of Devon. Home I am but lost. So long has the city skyline been in my sight, the polluted air running through my veins the raging car engines in my ear, here there is silence the slow chime of peace, trees are at ease with the breeze leaves twirl and kiss the ground, later they will be racked into a pile for wellington boots to jump into or kicked high into the air, my eyes feel locked by the sunlight they flutter open to see flakes of pastry littered in my scarf my tongue finds a seed of strawberry rooted in my tooth homemade food always brings that extra blanket to the picnic the cobbled streets will teach my feet to walk again, Butchers Row and the open market will host cheese that will make me gag, fish that will look me in the eye and meat that hang upside down by its feet my view takes a turn, I watch a couple bid goodbye, a business man run for the train -slam into the closed doors humiliation is a mask well-worn by those who accept it passengers begin to shift their luggage, old women natter about their day, how young Billy is doing strokes of greens, browns, yellows, blues paint themselves across the windows I stumble onto the single platform, breathe in the sky is that lighter blue, the air is that little bit cleaner water tastes pure, I gorge at the beauty this town is a banquet, my peace of mind
There was nothing but sky
darkness and stars, the eternal life of the void,
filled her heart with the coldness of it all.
There was nothing but planets and unseen havens, the knowledge that nothing will come to harm.
There was nothing. Nothing. Nothing to live for.
Then. It hit her, a wound so deep it took a hold of her
spiralling throughout space, lashing out its tongue to taste the ebony air
she was caught in its wake
so sweet and fulfilling it devours more,
to create a spear of life.
She watches it all fall into place and takes a liking to her new shape
she takes pleasure in watching the new world form
she was here for it all.
She watches her earth turn from dirt into soil into life
with seeds of every kind of flower growing, reaching up their hands
longingly towards her loving gaze. She lifts her head and takes in their poison, they tingle up her nose and make her cry with joy
the beauty of this new life she has found.
A gentle wind fills her with laughter as she witnesses the sea take form
its raging waves intruige her to place a toe in its waters
to feel the breeze on her neck in her hair,
she tastes the salt on her lips and smiles with satisfaction.
This is how things should be. For she is still young as the world and has much to learn of how things are,
not of how things should be.
Life is created and she holds her breath at the sight of the animals
that grace her lands
they fill her ears with songs of love and thank her for her generosity. From an ape to a man a whole generation span.
And what came from something so small turned into something catastrophic
it tore her flesh apart. She saw the rise and fall of humans triumph and often pitied them in their ways of thinking
how mindless and selfish these creatures were,
to take life and give so easy
no thought or word of love.
She is no longer alone, she no longer has to be afraid of being forgotten
the sun wonders with her throughout the day
discussing what will be and what is to come.
The moon with his top hat and cloak dances with her at night
to a slow jazz played on the old piano,
he whispers in her ear of how radiant she looks in his moonlight
they twirl and sway, hoping that day will stay away
she wishes it to stay this way,
to go on turning and turning with not a care in the world
she wishes it to stay this way just the stars and her moon forever in orbit
the slow jazz on the old piano.
I remembered what I was doing when I heard the news. I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and there it was in bold black text. R.I.P Robin Williams. I nearly choked on my tea! I couldn’t believe it, how could this be? After a quick google search I soon realised that it was true and not some idea of a sick joke. The legend of comedy was gone.
Since I was a child, Robin Williams has always made me laugh. From his classic role in Disney’s Aladdin as Genie to the boy who never wanted to grow up in Hook. If I was ever having a bad day or needed someone to make me giggle, he was there. I loved how he played roles that were just bursting with energy and humour. As I got older I saw his more serious films like What Dreams May Come and One Hour Photo and realised that he was more outstanding than I remembered. As a drama student at the time, his ability to do voices and always be in character inspired me in my own acting. For example I stumbled across this article one day, “The story goes that when Williams auditioned for the role of Mork, producer Garry Marshall told the hyperactive actor to sit down. Williams responded by doing a headstand on the proffered chair, leading Marshall to hire him because “he was the only alien who auditioned.” (Link below) This dedication to his role made me focus more on each character I portrayed, making me become whoever I played on stage. In short; a better actress.
It is such a loss and shame that we bid farewell to Robin Williams. When I read that he had hanged himself, I was shocked. I had no idea that he was battling with depression. It’s sad to see that some people still can’t see this as a mental illness. What will it take for people to open their eyes and see that sufferers need a friendly hand to pull them out of the darkness and back into the light? I won’t say any more about it as I could go on and I don’t want to wind myself up about it. At the end of the day people will believe what they want to believe because they are entitled to their opinion and we all think differently. I hope this tragic loss of a legend will make people more aware of this issue, depression needs to be recognized.
I’m sure you are in a better place Robin, and as Aladdin would say, “Genie, you’re free”
Farwell dear friend, I will remember you not for your movies but for the way you always make me laugh. I hope you find peace where you are now.
“Like my life. You know, as we come to the end of this phase of our life, we find ourselves trying to remember the good times and trying to forget the bad times, and we find ourselves thinking about the future. We start to worry , thinking, “What am I gonna do? Where am I gonna be in ten years?” But I say to you, “Hey, look at me!” Please, don’t worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting. And if you’re ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day… make a wish and think of me. Make your life spectacular. I know I did. I made it, Mom. I’m a grown up.”